No dating for me!

Well that was a short lived experience. I managed to avoid the depression from yesterday. Not sure how. Maybe it was the visits to the gym. Maybe as I got some stuff done today.

I have decided to keep out of the dating scene for the moment. I mean I was going on a normal dating site but not finding many women I actually found attractive. So I thought, in my wordly wisdom, I would try a swinging site instead. Well I’m glad I avoided the depression let me tell you. There I was exchanging messages with the sexiest woman on there. She pushed me for what gym I go to. I tried to be playful and boy did that backfire.

Blocked and called a weirdo. All I said was “How do I know you aren’t a crazed convict hanging outside gyms….”

Should I have put a πŸ™‚ at the end. Some sites say never put the πŸ™‚ coz it makes you look needy. I don’t know. I used to be ok with woman but now really bad.

I guess it is a blessing in disguise as I only really want someone to text to who might find me attractive. But at the same time I don’t have the energy or inclination to have a proper relationship.

I mean a sexy woman is fun, really fun but if that’s all it is, is that even enough?

Heavy heart

Wanted to write to you today as I don’t know who else to say this sort of stuff to. It’s not dark enough for the Samaritans and too needy for Facebook.

I have a heavy feeling in my left chest area. It could be a number of things

  1. I have been feeling so good recently that this month I’ve reduced my medication to half dose.
  2. I realise I actually have hardly any money coming in after losing a big contract.
  3. My attempts to earn more money by advertising have been a total disaster.
  4. My ex has told my kids that they can’t stay over night at my flat and I don’t know how to fight it.
  5. Β Last but definitely not least, I just got an email from my Dad. He is letting me know that he has asked my ex to travel out to see him and his wife for a holiday. The fact he didn’t even think to ask me first has made me feel pretty shit.

I feel like there are some tears hiding behind my eyes. I know that it is ok to feel bad but I’m thinking am I noticing all these things at once becuase of the reduction in medication?

Maybe I should just go back on to a full dose.

 

Can’t be bothered to talk

I know they say talking to your friends is supposed to help but I can’t be bothered to do that. I’m not a level 10 depressed at the moment, just very low level.
Could it have been

1) A break from the routine I had set up as I work a different job for 4 days out of the last 10. This meant no gym in the morning?

2) An increased amount of intoxicants as an after work relax?

3) The loss of the car and the associated arguments and visit from the Police?

4) Meeting a beautiful woman only to mess up the text conversation?

5) A lull from being super positive for a while.

Today I didn’t even get out of bed until 1300hrs. Not sleeping all the way through, just on and off.

Having said all that I did feel good on Saturday night. So why did I have a night off? So many questions! What I’ve done to fix the situation is this

1) Uninstalled the dating apps on my phone. Not that I think that is a major influence. I mean no body enjoys rejection do they. But looking through the women on there, realising I’m not attracted to hardly any of them, might increase the perceived negative of the “L” non contact. So cut all of that out and one less thing to worry about.

2) Stop intoxicants after the new contract. I wasn’t doing anything during the week and this did make me feel less motivated to do anything so must stop.

3) Start rebuilding a postive routine. This should involve going to bed at a reasonable hour, the hypnosis tracks in the morning, in fact all the Perry Marshall 30 reboot things I should be doing.

I found this article showing in a graph form many ideas to combat depression.

source:curetogether.com

You can read the whole article here http://curetogether.com/blog/2011/05/03/23-surprisingly-effective-treatments-for-depression-one-year-later/

Time to start again, again.

How strange is this. I think that life is actually amazing sometimes. I mean really.

If I had been in the grip of depression then splitting up with the wife, living in the cold, not having any money and potentially losing my transport would have been a very bad situation.

But today I am not depressed.

Today I have started to feel … different.

I know I have been on a journey and that journey has just been preparation for another journey. I guess a bit like training for a marthon. You don’t go straight into one. Lots of long run practise before. Which I wouldn’t fancy doing.

I feel inspired. Inspired in myself. I’m proud of myself. I have nothing yet I’m moving on. I’m handling it. I’m pushing the limits of who I could be. It doesn’t matter that my limits might be very low down in the list of what other people might consider as limits. This is my journey. And I’ll take as long as the hell I need to find me. I love my kids to pieces, but I’m not sure I loved me. Be the best Dad I can be. “He might not have been very rich, or very ‘successful’. But he never ever gave up” they’ll say.

I never will give up. I am going to keep learning, keep getting up, keep putting one foot in front of the other. I might stumble sometimes, even fall back, get lost for a while. But I’ve got up every time. And no one is going to try to make me feel like shit anymore. I’ve done enough of that to myself. I’m either going to deflect or avoid.

I must have been using attact as my best form of defence. Maybe just letting things that are negative, fly past.

I am grateful. I am so fucking grateful. I grateful to be alive. I know the depression lives within but I can handle the shit, if it comes back.

I never thought there was even a glint of light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes the tunnel just went darker and darker. So dark you couldn’t see.

How long was I in there. Days? Weeks? Years? Only to think you see light. It shines as bright as the sun. Only to realise the tunnel is still dark but you can make out shapes.

But there is a light. A beautiful light of possiblity. Yes for you too. I am not “cured” but I never felt that I could feel this clear about how to try to live. Be as kind as possible (probably need improvement here πŸ™‚ and to feel at one with yourself. However that happens.

Never give up. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have set backs. Set backs will happen. But wisdom comes with each one.

Never give up.

What the hell is this website?

Hiya, how sad is it that writing this post is one of the few places where I can really express myself? I do have a handful of friends but who wants to hear about problems most of the time.

Well that is actually a lie as sometimes I can be a good laugh…well at least I think so πŸ™‚

Isn’t life fucking confusing?

I mean I was so in love with my wife until she started being an uber bitch. And I don’t mean driving a cab.

I had the realisation yesterday that there have been a number of things that are fucked up about this situation. Can there ever be such a thing as an amicable divorce?

After thinking I sent the soon-to-be-ex wife this message

“Why do you hate me? To make me a bad guy to our son, to jump to divorce when I said maybe we should consider it, to the cold emails, to the quick throwing out of my stuff, to the not responding when I wanted to know your thoughts on why you had felt it had gone wrong. What have I done for you to hate me?”

No reply.

Don’t get me wrong you are only hearing it from my point of view. But I didn’t cheat on her, didn’t put her down, didn’t raise my hands to her or come home regularly drunk.

So not really sure why.

But does it really matter anyway. The situation is as the situation is right this second.

Watch this video for some real life truths.

A new low

So I’ve not been on for a while. Think I might not be blogging when things are going well. Or things aren’t going well. In fact, who knows what motivates me to blog or not.

I am quite angry right now. Mainly due to the fact that I’ve lost Β£150 for a holding deposit. But let’s first give you an update on where my life is at.

Checklist for loser bingo

1) Bankrupt – Yup got that. I’m not proud of it and did spend years trying to pay down my debt but it happened.
2) Career – Nearly 40 years old and don’t have a career to speak of. I did have but the bankruptcy put paid to that.
3) Finances – Less than a month’s income of savings, no car and no home.
4) Relationships – Separated, heading for divorce.
5) Housing – Living in a friends spare room, without hot water or heating.

Pretty depressing read eh? No this is going to seem a little mental but I have to try to look to the positive

1) I’m free of the pressure of debt.
2) I have a wealth of experience and as I am still building my own business I have potential.
3) Hmm, tricky. I have enough money for food and I have paid work.
4) I now have time to focus on improving myself for my kids.
5) Opportunity to create a new living space.

So where I am at the moment is rising from the ashes. I have moved most of my stuff out of the family home and had a phone call with the local housing options team. This department of the local council help people who don’t know where they are going to live. I might be over cautious with my situation but I am aware that the house I am currently in, has a limit. So I spoke to this department and told them of my difficulty in finding accommodation that would take housing benefit. The girl on the phone knew it was and suggested looking for a shared room or Porchlight (which is a homeless charity). Like I said I’m not in immediate danger of being homeless, however as that is a potential outcome not too far away I did shed a tear.

Oh how the mediocre have fallen.

So in a panic I went looking for room shares. I found one website that had a handful of potential places. One of them had all the living costs included in the price so I went for a look.

If you have ever seen the Simpsons you will recognise thisbachelor_arms

So the property had 20 odd rooms,1 washing machine and the kitchen was in the middle of building works. It felt like one step away from prison. But when you feel like you have no other options I paid Β£150 to hold the room.

As luck would have it, a potential flat share got back to me. The chap was very laid back. Liked computer games and had a cat. Plus if we had any disagreements it was only the 2 of us that needed to sort it out.

Whilst it does cost more to live at the flat, I think for my head it would be the better option.

I hope you are having a better time of life at the moment.

Two months feel good

I know I have been on here for a while. Not that anyone is reading it so I’m not letting anyone down.

But today I am feeling down. In fact my face is wet with tears. Tears of fustration maybe I don’t know.

My business is online marketing and although I am quite experienced in a lot of things I have never really turned it into profit except recently. I do a lot of my advertising via Bing ads and last night I found my account has been blocked and I wont get a resolution for 9 days.

This is not good.

For years I have been trying to find something that sits well with my way of working. Fairly organised without too much creativity. After a few initial hiccups such as traffic but no sales or even no traffic I managed to pick myself up and keep going.

One of my most profitable campaigns I had to stop due to a change in the promotion rules which might have sunk my motivation but I actually carried on.

But now with the prospect of losing my Bing account I am feeling very down. I haven’t managed to achieve anything this morning except for trying to play FIFA to keep my mind off it but that didn’t work.

Anything else I think of trying to do feels pointless as I could spend days working on something and not have a clue if I can get any results or not.

I feel a bit better typing it out but not enough to do anything. I don’t want the day to drift away and not achieve anything as that is where the spiral starts.

I am already fighting off the stress tiredness decending on my eyes.

Sorry I do have to apologise as I started this website to give you an idea of how to deal with depression and today I am not dealing with it very well.

When you think you have no one to talk to

Well that escalated quickly.

I thought I was ok with everything but then whilst at my part time job I started feeling a “little” bit down I guess. I didn’t think it was anything more than that.

But on the way home I started feeling like I didn’t want to go back home. I din’t want to go because I was feeling down and wanted to spare the family from feeling my bad vibes.

But then as I was thinking that I was torn as I realised my kids might be missing me. Of course this thinking went round and round. I had to park the car.

As I sat in the car in a motorway service station car park I thought “How did I end up here?” I don’t mean what roads did I drive down but my situation.

I felt I wanted to talk to someone but who? I couldn’t speak to my wife as we aren’t in the best of places at the moment. I couldn’t speak to my friend who I normally talk about mental issues with as he was quite judgemental the last time we spoke so I didn’t want that.

I couldn’t speak to any of my other few friends as I didn’t want to load on them. So I felt very alone.

Normally I wouldn’t think of ringing the Samaritans as I consider it when I am in a real bad state. But after looking at their website I double checked that you don’t have to be suicidal to talk to them.

I ended up speaking with a lady for nearly 30 minutes and I was a complete mess. Tears flowing from somewhere I didn’t really expect (emotionally not physically :-))

Afterwards I felt so much better. I went home and spent time with the kids without the cloud over me and without a reason for the wife to find fault with me.

If you are feeling lonely and can’t talk to people you know then try the Samaritans (you can find them at http://www.samaritans.org)

Now I wouldn’t normally mention about any charity donations I do but as I was lucky enough to have the money spare I felt I wanted to contribute to them talking to someone else like me. If you do have spare cash to donate to them then please do as someone like you on your darkest day might need them.

samaritans

In the manic moment

I had a moment on Thursday. Like an expresso version of depression. A shot of shit.

Me and the Mrs had a massive row. Don’t worry I’m not going to go through the whys and wherefores of the argument as this blog is about my depression.

So fast forward through the argument and I’m walking alone down country roads, wondering where to go. Should I go to a motorway bridge in the hope a police car might come and find me? Should I just keep walking until I can’t walk any longer?

When I started my walk I was near manic. How could my wife think that it was ok to get angry with me over very small events which in turn could wreck the marriage? Why was it so unfair that all I ever want to do is the best I can do and potentially I wouldn’t even be able to see my kids growing up.

For a minute or so the spectre of suicide did float across my mind. If I can’t be with my kids then whats the point.

AS I’m typing this you know I wasn’t that serious but in that moment, that split second, if I had been drinking then one never knows what could of happened.

I can’t be bothered to finish off what I was even going to say as the wife has just started a fresh round of bad feeling.

Procrastination – The gateway drug

Have you ever dealt with procrastination? I have noticed my issue with it from quite a young age. At the time I wanted more motivation. Now I don’t know about you but all these things feel interwined.

See my amazing image below

procrastination cycle

P – Procrastination leads to things not being done which could lead to feelings of….

F – Failure, due to tasks not being completed this can then lead of thoughts of….

D – Despondancy, depression’s close cousin. Feeling like this could increase procrastination and then the whole vicious cycle continues.

There are a number of things at play here. For example I haven’t been completely useless today. I got up, I’ve eaten, put some rubbish out, watered the plants etc

Yes one could argue “well those aren’t achievements” but doesn’t that depend on your point of view?

Walking 10 metres might seem like nothing except if the person doing the walking broke their back in a car accident.

Counting to 10 seems fairly easy enough, unless you are a toddler and it’s the first time you have done it.

My next argument with myself would be “Ahh, but you don’t have anything wrong with you really”. No I might not physically (except for a fat belly as my young son says πŸ™‚ but some days in the past those tasks might not have been done.

Sorry I was giving you examples of the things at play wasn’t I? Maybe I should try it in a bit more order. Bear in mind I don’t even know if these are impacting my productivity or not.

  • Fear of the task – Doing any task feels uncomfortable sometimes. Like I should be doing something else but the task is the thing I SHOULD be doing.
  • Fear of failure – By not doing the task I cannot do it poorly. Maybe I can handle the bad feeling of not doing it rather than the scathing critisism of a job completed badly.
  • Being a lazy bastard – Maybe I am just lazy.

Not knowing what is going on can be very disconcerting. However if this sound something like you do you might want to go and read this for a minute to see if it resonates with you.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers/ I know it says daughters but it does work for sons too

My mum unfortunately has a number of these traits and I guess is responsible for helping the depression get a foot hold at an early age.

The next thing I would urge that you read is this blog post by a man called Tim Urban.

Now I am going to try and battle through the Dark Jungle of Procrastination.

How to Beat Procrastination