Unsettling

Today we went to court. Seems crazy that I would have to pay a couple of hundred pounds and go to court, to try to have my kids overnight.

The legal system. Well I’m not sure which way to look at it. One way is that they are doing it for the wellfare of the children. I get that but I don’t have a police record in regard to any incidents with my ex and the kids are not known to social services. Why does it feel like I’m a criminal?

Of course I don’t actually mind jumping through hoops to get overnight access to my kids but it’s not right.

But to come through the police & social services checks with zero problems at all, why have I got to be the one to prove I am fit to have them?

Every made you so crazy that you walk past a mirror and you aren’t sure who you are anymore. How can someone lie so freely that it makes you start to doubt your own mind? I felt that for a second just now. Where I remember the argument at the weekend as my voice was raised, but not shouting and I was gesticulating. L remembers it as I was screaming and waving in faces.

Have you ever seen Quantum Leap?

It’s a tv show, where the main character, Sam Beckett, time travels into different people’s bodies in order to right a wrong.

So he could zap into the body of a cowboy and have to free the Sheriff in order to “Leap” back home.

I felt like Sam Beckett for a second. Maybe I was this controlling aggressive person but I didn’t know I was.

My friends tell me I’m not so that’s reassuring, but my mum & dad seem to believe her and she believes it so passionately someone has to be wrong. I don’t think it’s me but how does a crazy person know they are crazy?

Let me record this memory here. L told the court she was concerned that I spent too much time alone with the kids and didn’t let them socialise. But then goes on to say I have taken them to parties and fetes where they have socialised but thats only via existing friends thus implying it didn’t count.

Why are you such a malicious cunt?

Why? Why do you have to put the boot in? We broke up coz we didn’t get on. Scratch that. We broke up coz you chose to look for dark motives in all my actions. Regardless of the fact in my head my motives were nothing like the ones you chose to believe.

Nothing was ever good enough for you. You chose to keep your stresses internally but actually took it out on me.

I asked you a number of times if I should stop trying to run my own business but you didn’t say anything.

Hell I don’t even actually know the source of your discontent.
You moaned about where we lived but I felt like I was the only one doing anything to try. You hated your job but always came up with excuses as to why you needed to keep it.

I just wanted us to be happy. Being rich doesn’t guarantee happiness. A big house doesn’t guarantee happiness. Being happy with what you have is the starting point and then we could have grown together.
You always said you would be bitter if I was the one to stay at home with the kids and I guess the fact I had Fridays with D might have made you upset. But it was the cheapest way for us as a family to move forward.
When we did actually split, I thought we could be adult about it but you have gone out of your way to try and turn my family against me by lies.
You are clever. Your lies have a basis in truth but are far from it.

You talk about how angry I get, but never mention how I got to that place.
You talk about bruises on the kids from playing but missing out that they are kids and get bumps with you too.

You think you are above reproach and use my depression as a stick to beat me with.

I should hate you but I don’t. You are a manipulative cunt and I feel sorry for you.

I would never send you this of course because it goes against your idea of reality and nothing would stick.

No dating for me!

Well that was a short lived experience. I managed to avoid the depression from yesterday. Not sure how. Maybe it was the visits to the gym. Maybe as I got some stuff done today.

I have decided to keep out of the dating scene for the moment. I mean I was going on a normal dating site but not finding many women I actually found attractive. So I thought, in my wordly wisdom, I would try a swinging site instead. Well I’m glad I avoided the depression let me tell you. There I was exchanging messages with the sexiest woman on there. She pushed me for what gym I go to. I tried to be playful and boy did that backfire.

Blocked and called a weirdo. All I said was “How do I know you aren’t a crazed convict hanging outside gyms….”

Should I have put a 🙂 at the end. Some sites say never put the 🙂 coz it makes you look needy. I don’t know. I used to be ok with woman but now really bad.

I guess it is a blessing in disguise as I only really want someone to text to who might find me attractive. But at the same time I don’t have the energy or inclination to have a proper relationship.

I mean a sexy woman is fun, really fun but if that’s all it is, is that even enough?

Clean living for March

It’s the 27th of Feb today but I wanted to let you know that for the month of March 2017 I am choosing to live cleanly.

To me that means no alcohol and no naturally grown substances…. for legal requirements, let’s say no added sugar.

But if I were to think

“But life is only fun when I <insert a vice here>”

I then asked myself the question “Has there ever been a time when you have had fun without? <vice>?”

It’s one of the things I have been noticing a lot with my thinking. If my thinking starts to go into an emotional place, rather than a relaxed one, I try to question my thought. I use the “how would I feel, if I thought a different potential scenario was true”

I hope if doesn’t mean I’m going to second guess myself at every opportunity. However, if the first thought is only to serve me negatively is that helpful?

Yes I agree the first thought might be about a negative situation. For example if I were to break down on the way to an important meeting. I could either lament over the potential lost deal, the additional costs and time delay or ..

I could choose to view those things as just things that were negative and just happened. Is there a difference? Let’s have a look at one of them.

The lost deal: Missed the meeting and lost the deal. Negative thinking could be “Never find a client like this, chance of a lifetime, need the cash etc”

Now it’s a very fine line between what I am going to type and it reading like positive thinking hype. For me at least, it is a about a balance. For example I could say “maybe it could be a yes later down the line, they might review it, I have plenty of money”, would that really help me?

I guess I could feel happier inside and that is a good thing, right? The “I have plenty of money” thought really interests me.  If you are looking at

Balance: £23.54 Available

thinking you have plenty of money might be a hard task.

What is the middle way? It could be something like. That client could have been a great one but they chose not to go with you. What can you do today to either

1) find out for sure if the client is lost. 2) Take a step forward in getting another client as some money is better than none. 3) Or do something else to feel like you have acheived something.

If there were any rules in this it would be to try to look at the situation from a view other than the one you have right now.

I have got this

I think I start a lot of my blog posts with so. So I didn’t today.
I’ve not been on for a while. I say that a lot too. I’ve been busy. Made the odd recording on my dictaphone. I’ve thought of things to write, things to say but just … anyway does it matter?

I hope you’ve been well and yes life can be difficult. But it wont always feel like that.

Right now I feel really good. In the past I visited the edge of darkness quite a few times and lived semi-permantly in the suburbs.

But now I feel different. Is it because my wife and I have split up? Not totally. In fact it might have been a step on whatever journey I’m on.

Today I realised one of the things I want to do is help people like me. People who have felt depression.. But also people who, even if they are scared, want to sort it out.

Find, not how to “cure” it, but how manage your own version. Of course you will need to speak to your doctor and get counselling too. But once you are doing that and you are still working at managing it you will still have a chance.

There are no timescales. Why? Because you are your situation are completely unique.

There is literally no one to compare you to. Not even a twin.

(As far as I’m aware, only one baby can be born at a time. Via c section or naturally. I could be wrong but your twin wont experience exactly what you have.
Not sure why I’m banging on about the twins!)

Because there is no one to compare you to that means you are only in a game with yourself.
I will be writing more things about that in the future. But let me know what you are thinking about and I might write about that.

Not depressed but feel bad.

How’s your year been? I think on the whole January was a good month for me. Last year ended pretty terribly and the stress from the ex has reduced.

However.

I took a decision about my boy. It might have been the greatest decision in the world but that’s what I decided.

My kids and I went to the cinema. My daughter, aged 3, needed to go for a wee. I asked my son, aged 5, to come with me and he asked to stay there. As it is only a small independent cinema, we were watching a family film and the toilets are close to the screen I agreed he could stay.

In addition to the above I want to help my son gain independence as he can be lacking self confidence.

I know parents will deal with this in different ways but the ex wife has made me feel like a bad father. I guess some people could say I am, but my belief wasn’t that of danger, I felt it was safe enough to give him a chance of some responsibility.

Now as you can imagine, she is alluding to the fact I can’t care for my children and that she might make me see them under supervision.

This could be a door back into darkness. After all I don’t have anywhere to give them rooms, I don’t have a traditional job as I work for myself and a history of mental illness.

It could be the door to darkness, on the other hand that could be some a too honest Plenty of Fish intro.

 

5 days later – feeling better?

Interesting. 5 days ago I was feeling pretty low. AS you can read on this post http://www.dealingwithdepression.org.uk/cant-bothered-talk/

I feel a lot better today yet.

What’s changed? Well let’s have a look at what I thought I could do.

  1. Reintroduced the routine. Even without a car I jogged to the gym a few times and I feel like the gym and exercise are vital to my continued well being.
  2. Different thought process on women. I know I said I would uninstall dating apps but one of the things I realised is there are loads more beautiful women. Plus for whatever reason “L” didn’t reply that is ok. I am feeling more that I am happy with who I am and if you don’t like that then that is not a reason for me to feel bad.
  3. Got a car. Now I know this might not be the easiest of things to obtain so I couldn’t use this as a way of getting happier. However I did feel happier that I was now mobile, even though I was getting used to not having one.
  4. Understanding that a wobble is not a fall, and even a fall you can try to get up as many times as it takes.

So what small changes can you make that make you happier?

Book, Gorgeous women & sad

Hi blog,

My faceless friend.

I do feel a little bit shit today. A couple of things have happened. Whilst I’m not looking for a relationship as its too close to the seperation, I can be turned by a good looking woman.

Dating is tough I tell you. I am shit at the texting game though. The fact she was super fit probably made the task of holding it together a bit more difficult. But I’ve had the third strike. Well its my own self imposed strike. The third text with no reply means that path is closed. Don’t worry they weren’t “Why aren’t you replying?” texts! It was probably for the best as I’d have probably ended up falling in love with her and then having a shit relationship.

Got to keep to focus.

Went to the gym today so that was good. It felt good. Had to jog to the gym as the wife took her 2nd car back. So did my leg & arm workout as I had already done the jog.

Interesting chats with my mate who I am staying with. It’s all about the Plenty of Fish app. I don’t really know why I am on there. To have some chats I guess. But as my profile is quite jokey, my mate thinks I should change it to make it more “appealing”. But as I’m not that bothered I don’t understand why I would have to. We had a bit of a discussion and then he asks “do I have discussion like that in relationships?” bit of a wierd question. I can only assume that he wasn’t happy with me not considering his point of view for my profile.

I mean I did listen to what he had to say. But I questioned why I should change my profile to be in line with his ideas. My point of view was “Nothing is true, everthing is permitted” I think he was saying if I wanted to chat to women I should change my profile. I was saying I only want to chat to women who like my profile.

I don’t know. I have been feeling more down in the last week or so. I was feeling really good not long ago. How can I get back to that?

Time to start again, again.

How strange is this. I think that life is actually amazing sometimes. I mean really.

If I had been in the grip of depression then splitting up with the wife, living in the cold, not having any money and potentially losing my transport would have been a very bad situation.

But today I am not depressed.

Today I have started to feel … different.

I know I have been on a journey and that journey has just been preparation for another journey. I guess a bit like training for a marthon. You don’t go straight into one. Lots of long run practise before. Which I wouldn’t fancy doing.

I feel inspired. Inspired in myself. I’m proud of myself. I have nothing yet I’m moving on. I’m handling it. I’m pushing the limits of who I could be. It doesn’t matter that my limits might be very low down in the list of what other people might consider as limits. This is my journey. And I’ll take as long as the hell I need to find me. I love my kids to pieces, but I’m not sure I loved me. Be the best Dad I can be. “He might not have been very rich, or very ‘successful’. But he never ever gave up” they’ll say.

I never will give up. I am going to keep learning, keep getting up, keep putting one foot in front of the other. I might stumble sometimes, even fall back, get lost for a while. But I’ve got up every time. And no one is going to try to make me feel like shit anymore. I’ve done enough of that to myself. I’m either going to deflect or avoid.

I must have been using attact as my best form of defence. Maybe just letting things that are negative, fly past.

I am grateful. I am so fucking grateful. I grateful to be alive. I know the depression lives within but I can handle the shit, if it comes back.

I never thought there was even a glint of light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes the tunnel just went darker and darker. So dark you couldn’t see.

How long was I in there. Days? Weeks? Years? Only to think you see light. It shines as bright as the sun. Only to realise the tunnel is still dark but you can make out shapes.

But there is a light. A beautiful light of possiblity. Yes for you too. I am not “cured” but I never felt that I could feel this clear about how to try to live. Be as kind as possible (probably need improvement here 🙂 and to feel at one with yourself. However that happens.

Never give up. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have set backs. Set backs will happen. But wisdom comes with each one.

Never give up.