Unsettling

Today we went to court. Seems crazy that I would have to pay a couple of hundred pounds and go to court, to try to have my kids overnight.

The legal system. Well I’m not sure which way to look at it. One way is that they are doing it for the wellfare of the children. I get that but I don’t have a police record in regard to any incidents with my ex and the kids are not known to social services. Why does it feel like I’m a criminal?

Of course I don’t actually mind jumping through hoops to get overnight access to my kids but it’s not right.

But to come through the police & social services checks with zero problems at all, why have I got to be the one to prove I am fit to have them?

Every made you so crazy that you walk past a mirror and you aren’t sure who you are anymore. How can someone lie so freely that it makes you start to doubt your own mind? I felt that for a second just now. Where I remember the argument at the weekend as my voice was raised, but not shouting and I was gesticulating. L remembers it as I was screaming and waving in faces.

Have you ever seen Quantum Leap?

It’s a tv show, where the main character, Sam Beckett, time travels into different people’s bodies in order to right a wrong.

So he could zap into the body of a cowboy and have to free the Sheriff in order to “Leap” back home.

I felt like Sam Beckett for a second. Maybe I was this controlling aggressive person but I didn’t know I was.

My friends tell me I’m not so that’s reassuring, but my mum & dad seem to believe her and she believes it so passionately someone has to be wrong. I don’t think it’s me but how does a crazy person know they are crazy?

Let me record this memory here. L told the court she was concerned that I spent too much time alone with the kids and didn’t let them socialise. But then goes on to say I have taken them to parties and fetes where they have socialised but thats only via existing friends thus implying it didn’t count.

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